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“My grandfather has forgotten more about life than I’ll ever know. Then again, he also has Alzheimer’s.”

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“Is it just me, or is every CEO in America named Tim?”

“Turns out I’m not unhappy. I just need more coffee.”

“Jesus and I have the same birthday. August 29th. … My friend Jesus Gonzalez and me. We’re both Virgos.” 

“I’m always amazed by women who can apply makeup with no arms.”

“You can tell a lot about a person by how they act when they’re in the background of a live sporting event.”

“What kind of phone did you use to write your novel?”

“I love when people criticize Peyton Manning for only winning one Super Bowl. That’s like criticizing a writer for only winning one Pulitzer Prize.”

“I wish a Russian billionaire would buy my college football team.”

“Saw you in the gym today. Those were some pretty new New Balance you had on.”

“If there’s one thing Jack Kevorkian loved, it was the color blue. And helping people kill themselves.”

“Anytime somebody starts a sentence with ‘with all due respect,’ they’re about to disrespect someone.”

“I’ve met a lot of people named Dawn, but I’ve never met anyone named Dusk.”

“Is there any way they can make canned goods lighter?”

“Your brother kind of looks like Rachel Maddow.”

“Jeff Bridges is great in that new Hyundai commmercial.”

“If you were to graph my intelligence, it would look exactly like Walmart’s stock over the last 20 years.”

“When I was younger, I used to think PEOPLE was a good magazine. Now, of course, I see it for what it is: a fantastic magazine.”

“Fun fact: in any given Ving Rhames movie, you can determine the actor’s age by counting his number of neck rolls.”

“Mobile phones may be causing brain tumors. Finally, a valid excuse not to talk to my parents.”

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