“I just realized that the guy in the ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ video hanged himself.”

“I should really set you up with my friend. He looks like Eric Stoltz. In Mask.”

“The other day I was trying to meet some friends at an Irish bar. They said, ‘Look for the Irish flag out front!’ I kept walking into Ivory Coast bars.”

“You have beautiful mascara.”

“I see parts of myself in you. The shitty parts of myself.”

“How smart are you, and how much money do your parents have?
Sorry, I mean: where did you go to college?”

“I feel like getting beaten up, arrested and watching my team lose. So I’m going to a Raiders game tonight.”

“How old am I? 306,000. … Oh, you want it in years? 35.”

“I still think Keith Van Horn is a first-ballot Utah Hall of Famer.”

“All I really want to do is entertain people.
And make a shitload of money off State Farm.”

“Give me great offense over mediocre defense any day.”

“When opportunity knocks, you gotta get up off the mat and answer the phone.”

“You wanna come over next week and watch some women’s basketball?”

“I know we’ve had our differences over the years, but I want you to know:
I think you’re all assholes.”

“Did you play in the NFL? Oh no, that’s right, you went to Nebraska.”

“I took a look at your fantasy picks. You’re really good at fake football.”

“I noticed you deflated your balls to 11.5 PSI to help with my grip. Thanks.”

“I’m only going to watch half of the Super Bowl.
You know, two and a half hours’ worth.”

“There are times when it feels so right between us. Like when my penis is in your vagina.”