“Who do you think most people would say is better looking, you or Pete Postlethwaite?”

“You know, you order one mail-order bride, and suddenly you get all these emails from all these mail-order-bride services.”

“I don’t care if my baby’s healthy, as long as it’s a boy.”

“Do you think I have time to jack off in the bathroom before the meeting?”

“And that’s why they’re called slippers. Because you just slip them on.”

“Hey, that guy who was in here earlier. Do you think he was homeless, or just really cool?”

“You’re like my Social Security card. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.”

“You’re very media savvy. By which I mean, you never talk to the media.”

“Give me great offense over mediocre defense any day.”

“Did you say something? I was thinking about Paula Patton and Robin Thicke having sex.”

“Okay, your son is two. When you two get together, that’s not a guys’ night out.”

“How did Kerry Kittles not get an endorsement deal with Skittles?”

“Anytime somebody says ‘That’s fine’ five times in a row, things are not fine.”

“‘Am I Catholic?’ Is the Pope Catholic?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your genitals.”

“That Jerry Sandusky is one sick fuck.”

“You know what’s really hot right now? The opposite of what you’re wearing.”

“I don’t suppose the words ‘LL Cool J’ mean anything to you.”

“You’re not the only person I’m stalking, you know.”

“Is it just me, or is Helena Bonham Carter starting to look like Roseanne Barr?”