“Read any good Chipotle bags lately?”

“Cheers… to me successfully dating two different men.”

“If black people played hockey, you would’ve never heard of Bobby Orr.”

“My favorite type of tequila is probably Mexican tequila.”

“You know what I find sort of subtly sexy on a woman?
Crotch-less panties.”

“I let my mouth do the talking.”

“Sorry about running off earlier. Nature called.
And it said I had to take a shit.”

“My two favorite teams are the Patriots and whoever’s playing the Patriots.
That way I’m covered.”

“Did you want to get sushi, or were you actually hungry?”

“I’m sort of like J.D. Salinger, if he hadn’t published any books.”

“Jessica Chastain is such a great pair of tits. I mean, actress.”

“This report would make a lot more sense IF I HAD A FUCKING FACE!!”

“If Colin Firth ever writes a memoir, it better be called First Things Firth.”

“I’ve met a lot of people named Dawn, but I’ve never met anyone named Dusk.”

“I’m actually 1/128th Cherokee. Give or take.”

“I try to live by the three Cs: compassion, curiosity and cunnilingus.”

“You know what I think would spice up our sex life? If I cheated on you.”

“I love Tina Fey. I love all black people.”